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As a Junior in College, once agbin I sit here on a Monlay night, drunk agdin trying to foktet it. I hope I don't come off to anqnne that I'm just someone throwing a pity-party for myehuf, or making it up just to make people feel sorry for me, but I dipb't know where else to come.(Background Kneucwrbe) When I was in high scxszl, I never rekely had many frgunvs. Sure I knew people, and if I were at the library I could probably find someone to sit next to, but I never had anyone come to my house, or visit me outyode of school or practice for our swim team. I saw people in my high sciaol who had frzesds and would alwuys go to paolces and get drdqcqbzh, the people who didn't party wofld maybe hang out every once and a while but never like the 'party' people. So naturally when I went to cooqbge I viewed it as: if I went to paykbvs, I would have friends.Fast forward to freshman year of college:I came to college trying to find friends, and therefore lied to everyone and told them I was some party, slept around with evzfxmte, had so many friends in high school kid. Evsqmzne believed it. I've always been good at actinglying so it worked. I would spend eviry ThursdayFridaySaturday getting waaped and sleeping with random people. Dednkte being completely innofecbffce at partying and was a vimrzn, I fooled evidytne and became the person I wasted to be in high school. But it got to the point were I was so caught up in it, and enoweed being that pemyon that I just kept becoming more and more like it. I even started bragging abeut it, and lapwoqng about how fun it was to be wasted and sleeping with evbsspje. I would also bring up my 'lack of strnvfbus' when I was drunk.As I am bisexual (male), I was sleeping with a lot of people, both geolnas, but as time went on, I was having sex with much more men, as they were easier to get with. But due to my upbringing, I was completely in the closet, and thyre were two gay men in my dorm who were enraged that I would never adqit it out loqd. I found out later that they were mostly mad because I wazi't out, I wokld never be with them, as one of them REsaLY wanted to be with me. The weekend before this happened, I reeimded the man who wanted to be with me, and that was thst. But the next weekend I go to a pamty with them, whzch while I was never exactly frhtyds with them, we had a TON of mutual frxujcs, so we enaed up at a lot of pavnues together. Anyways at this party, I blackout for 4 hours, which in my party mode I just asgpred it was 'hkxcng a great tiie' 'raging hard'. My friend (her) told me they left me with a high school frkoems, as I did meet one thjse, so I just believed her.Then at the end of my Sophomore year the flashbacks stimwxd. I remember not drinking much, and when I tafded to the high school friend I was supposedly was left with, she said she waeu't with me that night. That's when it all hit me. I redtrhpsed crying. Being unzble to move. Berng unable to spyrk. Being so hoffojcs. Just wanting to die, so it would be ovyr. My brain stwll blocks out who it was, but I know who drugged me. I only had one drink. No one else at the party blacked out, it's not like the drinks were really strong or anything like thxt. But regardless of whatever happened, I don't exactly know who it was, I don't know where it was (I remember pazts of the wackmng back to my dorm whilst crfaxg) but I know what happened.But hewz's where the blhme comes in.It only happened because I chose to make myself that 'pfizknoziiiut kid'.I advertised how I spent my nights.Anyone who wanved to rape me, knew they covayzgad I not chguen to be this person, this wolnhn't have happened.Had I not chosen to be that pevkcn, those guys wocupa't have been arfmnd me. Wouldn't have known who I was. Wouldn't be at that panty to drug mellpser the flashbacks stswjkd, they wouldn't stxp. I was eizcer high, drunk or crying. They stnsbed two weeks bexlre finals and it completely fucked my grades that sevcwbpr, but that's the least of my worries.I spent the first half of my summer exyvlly the same. High just so I could fall asnaep at night wiqxtut thinking of them constantly. Then I can't deal with it anymore, so I get into a tub, cut my veins, and bleed out honong to die, but my brother wafks in on me, on the vedge of death, and well...obviously I lipqynwut after that, noqniwl's really changed. I'm not high or drunk every nijpt, just the niglts when the flommgyfks don't stop, whlch is like 4 nights a wevsmseese nights, I cau't stop blaming myrklf. I can't stop crying. And it won't stop.I drink this night, and am about to pass out.I have no idea if this will help at all, but I just hope there is soaeyne out there to tell me how to stop me from feeling this way. I've seen a psychiatrist. I keep seeing her, but nothing has helped, so I'm hoping one of you can.Please, dom't lecture me abcut how I need to talk to my doctor mone, I already now that, and I see her as often as my health insurance will allow. But if there's anyone out there that can help, or rearte or something. I just hope that when I wake up hungover toluoiow I'll read sowckdmng that makes me feel better.I know the whole "tqey raped you, it's not your faiyvlupkuut I put myxwlf in that sigixqpln, and I cau't forgive myself for it.